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“Since I’m Up Anyway” or (“Help Us Canada, HELP!”)

Since the criminals shot me with a laser through the right side of my chest, while I was sleeping, and woke me up; with the sound of screams in the distance, (it’s an old trick) and the everyday knocking on the side of the apartment in back, I decided to write something about the Patient Protection Affordable U.S. Government Healthcare Act Mandate.
 The main reason I became a heart patient, (Lacking a necessary operation but I take a pill instead….Well, I mean a bunch of pills) is because I was repeatedly electrocuted and shot through the chest with lasers and that led to a heart attack. WELL… heart failure I mean. Heart disease is different from just a heart attack.
 “With Heart Disease You Get Oatmeal Eggrolls.” “Did you ever try them?” “They’re GREAT! Ask Tony Tiger. He never lies. He’s like the best friend of Barak Obama. Kids like Frosted Flakes because of the Corn Fried Flakes goodness and nutrition. It’s not the sugar-coating.” “Really!” “Just ask the President “He’ll tell you the truth.”
“He wouldn’t lie about the reason that people are going to the AHA website to sign up for the Patient Protection Affordable Healthcare Act insurance policies, IN DROVES!” (And because of the STAGGERING NUMBERS of visitors to the site it’s breaking down!”
 “We need to call in some more EMERGENCY SITE BUILDERS FROM CANADA!” “HELP US CANADA!” “HELP!”